How to end a relationship in an adult manner without causing anyone undue stress

Here’s how I did it:

1. I got very drunk at his house
2. I tried to fix another drink, which would have been my fourth very strong vodka & cran
3. He tried to stop me from fixing another drink, which was in everyone’s best interest being that I was already plastered
4. We fought over my glass
5. The glass fell to the floor and broke
6. I tried to clean up the shards, but I was drunk, so he wanted to do it himself
7. He had to drag me, in a heap, out of the kitchen
8. I put vodka directly into the bottle of cranberry juice before he could stop me
9. I wandered to the bathroom and purposely cut my fingertip with a razor
10. …and then smeared blood on his face like tribal paint and told him he was “a warrior now”
11. For the first and last time in my life, drove home while very, very drunk

TA-DA!!!