For the last two and a half years, I’ve had an active profile on OkCupid.  When I first signed up, I was definitely not looking to get into another serious relationship.  After six years of solid couplehood (with Mike and his predecessors) I was ready to explore who I might be without a full-time boyfriend.

I met K on OkCupid, and he fit the requirements nicely: I had regular access to great company and really good sex, and I knew he’d run screaming if I tried to get him to settle down.  Perfect. I’d already had the idea of remaining autonomous, but meeting him really sealed it for me.  Here was someone who didn’t want to give up his freedom either.  He was both my role model and my consolation prize after years and years of trying to be somebody’s somebody.

I was free to date whomever I wanted, and I did.  Over time my ideas about what I wanted clarified, and my OkCupid profile changed as I figured out what did and did not work for me.  I had one date who seemed extremely nervous and wouldn’t even look at me, so that became part of the profile: must not be scared of girls.  Although I expressed my desire to remain single, a few people seemed to think they could convince me otherwise, so I made it extremely clear in my profile that I would not be swayed.

Time has passed.  K has an actual bonafide girlfriend now, which is so funny I could stab someone, and I’m in Carmel and thinking about my life and all the adventures/mistakes I’ve had/made and… reevaluating.

I’m thinking I might be ready to try to have an actual relationship again.  Gasp.  I’m not in a hurry and I won’t settle for just anyone.  I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.

There’s been this boy, whom I’ll  GT, and let me be clear, he is not currently in danger of becoming my one and only.  I’ve known GT for about a month and a half.  I met him, of course, on OkCupid, after I knew I was moving back down here but before I actually did, although I was down here (long story.)  We hung out once down here while I was visiting last month, and once in Portland (where he was visiting, long story) and once again here a couple of weeks ago. For awhile we were probably sending upwards of 100 texts back and forth each day. It was great!  So much flirting.  It got me through my move, having someone to text pictures of my cleavage to.  It gave me something to look forward to.

But I realized that I always sent the first text each day, I wrote the longer emails, I was the one asking when we could hang out again.  Just like I always do.  And although he returned my attention with a rewarding amount of enthusiasm, I couldn’t sustain it.  Trying to be clever, striving to be witty, always looking to get a different angle on the cleavage shots… it was exhausting.  Especially because I knew I was probably smothering him a bit.  Particularly because I knew I was making an absolute ass of myself.

To quote me:

I want someone who wants to be with me.  I don’t want to always be the one initiating contact.  I want to not be the one asking “when can I see you again?” while always suspicious that the other person would do just fine not seeing me again for awhile.  I’m tired of being the only one who calls, writes, plans because I fear that if I’m not the one to call or write or plan, the other person will just sort of forget about me.  If I don’t keep it going, it won’t go.  Why do I keep settling for that?

When I wrote that a couple of weeks ago, I was, of course, all in a tizzy about GT.  But I could have written that at so many points in my life, about K or several other people (“Amy” included.)  It’s a bad habit of mine, and I’ve made up my mind not to do it anymore.

It’s been three days since I’ve contacted GT.  I’m not ruling out seeing him again, but it’s gonna have to be his idea.  I’m done wanting people who don’t want me back.  It’s time to at least act like I have some goddamned self-respect.

But… but… I wrote this list awhile back of all the things I want in a man.  There’s, like, 70 things on the damned list and GT is about 65 of those things, and honestly, we’re grading on a fucking curve, so that’s an A+.  The list is based on all the things I’ve liked about all the boys I’ve loved, and… well, my brother pointed out to me recently that maybe looking for an amalgam of my exes isn’t such a stellar plan.  After all, it didn’t work out with any of them.   And though GT is a stunningly close approximation of what I’d imagine to be my perfect boyfriend, he’s missing one crucial part of it: he doesn’t want to be.  Just like K didn’t.  I find indifference so charming, don’t you?  No?  Maybe GT’s real role in my life is to be someone who reminds me of all the ways I’ve underestimated and undersold myself, the times I’ve thrown myself at people who didn’t really care about me, and to provide me with the opportunity to not do that this time.

…So I changed my OkCupid profile again.  And now it says, in part:

I want to be with someone who isn’t ambivalent about being with me. I’m tired of chasing after people and have decided not to do it anymore. If you want me, come get me.

I’ll try not to be hard to reach.