a still life, gone cinema veritè
I have been home in Carmel for over a month. I got my old job back and am working full time. My life is fairly good.
I have gotten fat.
For awhile today I was thinking I might be pregnant, but I took a test and it turns out I’m not. I’d have to be about four months along if I were, and I think I might have noticed sooner. I thought maybe the weight gain and some of the weird symptoms I’ve been having could be attributed to being knocked up, but the discount pregnancy test from Save Mart tells me that I am not.
I’m just fat.
I was in the bathroom trying to tame my unruly mane of hair, and I started noticing all the features of myself that I don’t like. I have acne. I’m chubby. My glorious D-cup boobs are back, but so is my gut. I hate my jawline. I have fat, stumpy legs. My hair seldom behaves. I’m not very graceful. I don’t have much tact. I tend to alienate people. I can be highly abrasive. I am often too quick to take offense. I often don’t notice when I’ve offended people. I tend to burn bridges. I judge people harshly. I’m too forgiving sometimes. I can be passive-aggressive. I don’t follow things through. I’m too sensitive to noise and environment. I can be a bit of a spoiled princess.
I can say all these things and not feel bad. That might be because I’m totally wacked out on Vicoprofen. We’ll get to that in a moment. But while I was doing this honest appraisal of myself, examining the things I don’t like about myself, and I felt fine. At peace. I love myself anyway, fat and tactless though I may be.
So, about the painkillers: I’ve been getting terrible headaches for the last month or so, and it seems I might have something called Post-Concussion Syndrome. Confusion, headaches, mood changes. You can see how, coupled with the recent weight gain, I might think I’m preggers. But nope, not that, just a lingering head injury! You should try it, it’s awesome.
So I’m seeing a doctor about that in two weeks, and she’ll probably send me to a neurologist, which I can’t afford, so I’ll have to call Daddy. Again. And they’ll say, yep, sounds like Post-Concussion Syndrome, nothing we can do, drink water and get enough rest. And then they’ll charge $1200.
DESPITE ALL THIS: I’m fairly happy. I love being back at work. I’ve been sleeping well. I’m getting along with my family. I feel fulfilled, I’m thinking about and planning for the future, I have hopes and dreams again!!!!!
And I am resolutely single for the first time in my life. For the FIRST TIME in my LIFE I am not chasing after, pining for, trying to satisfy, attempting to appease, or trying to coerce anyone into loving me. There has never been a time in my life that I haven’t been trying to chase one boy or another. Now I’m at over three months of being absolutely, gleefully free.
I’ll love again, I’m sure. But I’ll be smarter when I do.
And hopefully I won’t have a headache anymore.