Men. This one’s for you.
So you’re balding. That sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sure you had luscious hair when you were younger, and having it fall out must be a terrible shock.
But there is hope! First, consult Esquire’s fantastic and funny “How To Be Bald” for some advice and perspective about what to do about your particular brand of hair loss. And then come back and listen to what I have to say.
The Esquire piece starts off with a gorgeous baldy, Jude Law. Our man Jude had a hard time adjusting to his hair loss. In the late 1990s and early oughts, he was a specimen of metrosexual male perfection. He was stunning. But for the last several years, Jude’s been going bald. He’s tried to hide it with hats. He’s braved the outside world with his wisps of hair carefully arranged. But recently, Jude gave up the ruse.
And he looks amazing, as always. Sure, he’s older. He doesn’t have as much of that heart-stopping quality he had when he was in his tweties, but who does? He’s balding and he’s rocking it, and I for one still harbor a huge actor-crush on him.
Moving on, I want to tell you about my friend Todd.
I had a crush on Todd from the first moment I saw him. He was freakin’ adorable. We dated briefly when we were 17, and then reconnected at 29. He’s one of my favorite people in the world. And he’s bald. Really, really bald.
You have to understand, Todd had excellent hair. For the 90s, anyway. It was long and honey-colored and thick and… well, the kind of hair girls envy. Here’s what Todd looked like in his late teens:
These pictures don’t do him justice, but I think you can see from this that my massive crush was justified. He looked vaguely like James Van Der Beek, but without the enormous forehead. He was hot.
Todd and I didn’t see each other for about 11 years, and in the meantime he got married, had a kid, got divorced, moved to Oklahoma, moved back from Oklahoma, got cancer and lost a testicle, and… lost all his hair.
This is Todd now:
Now, I have some friends, and I’m not gonna name names, who are super insecure about their hair loss. And these are guys who are still gorgeous and masculine and virile and everything, just… y’know… balding.
And I’m here to tell you, boys, that you can still be totally hittable if you’re losing your hair. What’s most attractive to sane and discerning women is confidence. If you’re insecure, it doesn’t matter how perfect or imperfect your hair is, you’re gonna rate low on the dateability scale. But if you own it and rock it and show the world that you’ve still got it, we’ll believe you.
Don’t be like my Douchey Ex and wear hats all the time. We all know you’re balding, honey. You’re not fooling anyone. Be self-assured and work with the hair (or lack of hair) that nature has seen fit to bless you with. You’re getting older, wiser, and better– and all it has cost you is a little hair. Seems like a good deal to me.