Category: lists

where we attempt to organize our thoughts

How to end a relationship in an adult manner without causing anyone undue stress

Published on by Kate3 Comments

Here’s how I did it:

  1. I got very drunk at his house
  2. I tried to fix another drink, which would have been my fourth very strong vodka & cran
  3. He tried to stop me from fixing another drink, which was in everyone’s best interest being that I was already plastered
  4. We fought over my glass
  5. The glass fell to the floor and broke
  6. I tried to clean up the shards, but I was drunk, so he wanted to do it himself
  7. He had to drag me, in a heap, out of the kitchen
  8. I put vodka directly into the bottle of cranberry juice before he could stop me
  9. I wandered to the bathroom and purposely cut my fingertip with a razor
  10. …and then smeared blood on his face like tribal paint and told him he was “a warrior now”
  11. For the first and last time in my life, drove home while very, very drunk

TA-DA!!!

Famous People I’ve Met

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1. Brad Pitt. He was with Jennifer Aniston, but I didn’t speak to her. We had an eight word conversation about his hat in December, 2000. “Nice hat, Brad Pitt.” “Thank you very much.”

2. Robin Williams, March 1994. He was at the Exploratorium in SF with his kid. I was 12 and made an ass of myself.

3. Sarah Silverman (and kinda Jimmy Kimmell, but he was an asshole), 2005. She was at the Coach store. We talked for a few minutes, and she hugged me goodbye! She was super sweet.

4. Mary Lou Lord, musician, July 1999. She was busking on Newbury St. in Boston, and she let me sing a song in her microphone.

5. Rhett Miller, singer of the Old ’97s and solo artist, April 2003. He was opening for Tori Amos. He hugged me, too, but I had to ask for it. Which was fine. HE HUGGED ME.

6. Nando Parrado, survivor of the Andes flight disaster, June 2006. I interviewed him for the PSU Vanguard.