And it only took eight months…
-
I said I was growing it out, didn't I? 
this is what it looked like on august 1st 2010 -
Got paid today. Went to the store, bought nicotine patches. Discovered that nicotine patches turn me into a dizzy, shaky, pukey wreck.
Cold turkey it is.
-
About a year ago, I was chatting with Austin, the boyfriend I had through most of high school, and I asked him if he had fond memories of me. This is what he said:
We had some great times, some crazy times, and I think you’re a good person. And yeah, I focus on the good memories. Life’s better that way, I think. Those people that always say they have no regrets, bunch of people that lie to themselves, but damn they’re probably the happiest too.
I found this chat log yesterday, and it made me really happy. So I thought I’d share.
-
I fell asleep around 6:30 last evening , so of course I woke up at 3:30 a.m. And the anxiety and bad thoughts I’m usually good at keeping at bay all pounced on me and I remembered: this is why it’s bad to be awake at this time. This is where the bad thoughts live.
But it’s been a couple hours now, and I’m feeling mostly better. I’ve found it’s helpful to ask myself “What am I afraid of?” and go from there. Because it’s never really as bad as I think it is. I get so caught up in feeling awful that I fail to see the trees for the forest, if I can twist a metaphor. I’m so busy freaking out over everything that I don’t see that every component of my anxiety is something I can do something about.
So I think I’m going in to work early today so that I can finish early, and then I’ll come home and try to sort out my life. I’m tired of keeping my fears and anxieties at bay. I need to face them head-on, and that’s a lot easier in daylight than it is at 4am.
-
I’ve spent a lot of my life being really, really hard on myself.
I don’t think most people know that about me, even people who know me well. I’m just starting to figure it out about myself.
Strange to think about.
-
Mom asked if I’d take our dog, Lily, for a walk tonight. I was wearing shoes and Mom wasn’t, and I never really mind getting out and seeing the stars, so I agreed happily.
But we couldn’t find the leash. It’s one of those nice, retractable ones, and it’s hot pink, so it should have been easy to spot. But it just wasn’t there. Mom went digging through a cabinet and found something that would do: Sam’s old leash.
Sam was the first dog I ever had, the only other dog I’ve had. We got her when I was eight, when my family was living on a ranch in Hollister. I think I must have named her, because “Samantha” seems like the kind of thing an eight-year-old girl would name a puppy. She was a mutt, apparently part Husky and mostly Question-Mark, and she had the coloring of a German Shepherd, but the coarse hair of a Lab. She weighd about 50 pounds and was good at responding to verbal commands. You could walk her without a leash. She had the softest ears I’d ever felt. I called them “velvet ears.” She got stinky when she didn’t have a bath for awhile. Sometimes we’d let her wander the neighborhood, and I had a special way of calling her, almost a song. “Sa-MAAAAAAAAN-thaaaa. C’mere, c’mere puppy! Saaaaaa-mmmmy!” And she’d always come, and you could hear the fast beat of her paws seconds before you’d see her.
She was a damned good dog, was Sam.
She got old and she died. She was a shell of herself by the time she finally went. I was maybe 23 when I got a call saying that Sam had died. By that point, she wasn’t fun anymore. I hadn’t really cared about her in years, if we’re being honest. She was more a stinky, incontinent burden than anything else. And she just made me so sad, seeing her so old and feeble when she’d been the best dog a kid could hope for. It was a relief when she finally died.
I hadn’t really thought about Sam for a long time until my mom pulled that leash out of the cabinet tonight. And I attached it to the collar of my spunky little Lily-Pie, my sweet puppy who doesn’t always come when called, who you can’t even think of walking without a leash, and I thought about my first dog, my Sammy. And I remembered what a good dog she was, what a sweet dog, and how much I loved her.
And now I’m crying harder than I’ve cried in months.
Damned dog.
-
I woke up feeling grumpy today. Had that feeling of “Oh, not again” about everything.
This is notable in that I haven’t really felt that way for a couple of months.
I think it’s just a blip, but it’s odd to think that I used to wake up feeling like that pretty much every damned day. I don’t anymore. How about that?
-
[For an assignment in the greatest class I took in college, “Dangerous Words.” We were supposed to write a cover letter for an imaginary job application. This is mine.]
Dear Sir/Madam:
I am applying for your job as “Mattress Tester” which was listed in the Oregonian and on Craigslist. As I have been sleeping in beds every night for nearly 27 years, I feel I am well and uniquely qualified for this job.
My parents raised me in a home in which beds were the norm. I have slept on many different mattresses, and feel that I can distinguish not only good ones from bad ones, but which ones may be good for children or the elderly, due to issues of size and accessibility. I can also evaluate frames as to their stability, durability and dimensions. I have experience with cots, futons and the most luxurious of mattresses, including memory-foam mattresses, and can tell almost immediately whether a bed is comfortable or not.
In my past experience evaluating mattresses, I have often even worked double-shifts so that my assessments are thorough and detailed. My dedication to sleep and the accoutrements that accompany it has been commented on many times by parents, friends and housemates. Please consider me most seriously for this position.
Thank you for your time and kind attention.
Sincerely,
Kate Folsom
-
I went swimming this morning. But it’s not as simple as that.
My alarm was set for 9am, because I am NOT a morning person and that’s about as early as I feel like facing the day. But I woke up at 7:45. I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but this voice in my head said “Get up! Time to get up! We’re going SWIMMING!”
*Uh, no. I want to sleep for another hour and fifteen minutes. Go away.*
“GET UP! Time to face the day! Let’s go to the gym!”
*Go away, please, just another hour…*
“GET OUT OF BED NOW AND GO TO THE GYM”
And this is how I ended up in the pool at 8:32 in the morning. Apparently there’s a perky person living in my head, and she is very persistent. Bitch.
So I swam for a half hour, showered, and got to work a bit earlier than I usually do.
Ugh. And I’m gonna do it again tomorrow.
I’m trying to get out of all the stupid ruts I’ve let myself sink into. Swimming should help. I have a dentist appointment later where I’m sure they’re gonna tell me I need loads of work done and toss out some improbable number for what it’s all going to cost. Whatever. It’s time to get my teeth fixed.
If I keep up this whole “exercise” thing I might have to start eating breakfast. Ugh. I hate breakfast. Who the hell can eat before noon? Still, I bought a cup-o-noodle from the vending machine at work today because I was gonna fall the hell over if I didn’t get some calories in me. The weirdest thing about all of it is that I kinda want to go for a brisk walk later or something. It feels good to move! I want to get my blood pumping! Let’s get those endorphins flowing.
Who the hell is living in my head and why does she want to GET PHYSICAL? What have I become?
-
I feel like crap today. Here are some things I do (and you can do!) to not feel quite so crappy.
- Make sure to keep eating, even if you don’t want to. Even if it’s something small, make sure you put nutritious food in your belly.
- Get out of the house, even if it’s just to go to the store.
- If you think of something that might help, no matter how silly, try it.
- Find ways to distract yourself. Books and music both help. TV just numbs you, but maybe that’s what you need. Try a book first.
- Remember that this too shall pass. There have been good days, this just isn’t one of them.
- Don’t mope around with gross hair and dirty sweatpants. Get ready for life, even if you don’t have anything planned.
- Do something indulgent. Take a bath, take a walk, take a nap. Treat yourself a little bit.
- Don’t sit around eating carton after carton of ice cream or whatever. But feel free to eat a small bag of M&Ms or a reasonable portion of another treat.
- Get in touch with friends, just to say hello.
- Keep breathing. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
Self-Indulgent Drivel 