Self-Indulgent Drivel

naked on the internet

Month: February, 2011

What am I afraid of?

I fell asleep around 6:30 last evening , so of course I woke up at 3:30 a.m. And the anxiety and bad thoughts I’m usually good at keeping at bay all pounced on me and I remembered: this is why it’s bad to be awake at this time.  This is where the bad thoughts live.

But it’s been a couple hours now, and I’m feeling mostly better.  I’ve found it’s helpful to ask myself “What am I afraid of?” and go from there.  Because it’s never really as bad as I think it is.  I get so caught up in feeling awful that I fail to see the trees for the forest, if I can twist a metaphor.  I’m so busy freaking out over everything that I don’t see that every component of my anxiety is something I can do something about.

So I think I’m going in to work early today so that I can finish early, and then I’ll come home and try to sort out my life. I’m tired of keeping my fears and anxieties at bay.  I need to face them head-on, and that’s a lot easier in daylight than it is at 4am.

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Frailty

I’ve spent a lot of my life being really, really hard on myself.

I don’t think most people know that about me, even people who know me well.  I’m just starting to figure it out about myself.

Strange to think about.