On Friday the 5th, went to the hospital for a kidney stone that had been sticking around for the past two months. I had gone to the hospital (a different hospital) on February 9th for the same evil little jerk, then visited the urologist who said “yup, kidney stone” and then did nothing else. I kept trying to get in touch with their office to get its removal scheduled because it wasn’t budging on its own and they kept just… not calling me back. For almost two months.

So I marched myself into the emergency room and politely asked that the urologist on call take the fucker out. He obliged. I was well taken care of, given the good drugs, a tube was put in my left ureter to let stuff drain, and I was sent home.

It turns out that recovering from this surgery is equally as unpleasant as having a kidney stone. Who knew? I sure didn’t. The past week has sucked. But I’m finally healing up and getting better and not having to bolster myself with medication so much.

When I woke up from the surgery, I induced that I’d been intubated because my throat was sore. When I got home, I started eatin’ bananas. Lots of bananas! So many bananas! Bananas are soft and easy on the throat! Bananas are easy on the stomach! Bananas are good for diarrhea and nausea! Bananas! But then I started wondering… why is my throat still swollen…? Why does everything taste weird and muted? Why does my mouth feel funny? Why does even salt feel spicy on my tongue? WHY DO BANANAS FEEL LIKE ACID?

On Thursday, friends and neighbors, I realized I’m allergic to bananas.

This is a sudden allergy. I was never allergic to bananas before last week. I have eaten bananas my whole life. I love bananas. But, my dearest darlings, bananas make my lips and tongue burn. Bananas make my throat swell to a teensy widdle tube that it is hard to breathe through. I am real fuckin allergic to bananas.

I’m so pissed.

You know what I’m also suddenly allergic to? Avocados. Figured that one out yesterday when I ate some sushi for science because I’d read that if you’re allergic to bananas you’re probably allergic to avocados.

I’m not sure life is worth living without guacamole. Or sushi. Don’t tell me sushi can come without avocado, I know that. BUT WHY WOULD I WANT SUSHI WITHOUT AVOCADO, AVOCADO IS INCREDIBLE IN SUSHI.

So now I’m sitting here with my lips and tongue still all fucked up from the April 2024 Banana Extravaganza, I’m hosting a birthday party for myself in an hour and a half, and I’m pretty sure I can deal with no more bananas but I want to cry thinking about no more avocados. I’m going to visit an allergist to see if there’s anything we can do about this.

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Tuesday the 9th, I saw a skunk in the back yard! He was an adorable little dude, and I kept my distance. This is the skunk! I love him.

Some people were like, “oh no, skunk!” That is the wrong response. Skunks are peaceful little dudes! Skunks aren’t aggressive! They just want to dig around and eat bugs. They don’t want to spray you. They want to be left alone. If you leave them alone, they will leave you alone. If you see them doing a hand-stand, you should run away because that means they’re going to spray and you don’t want to stick around for that. But for the most part, skunks aren’t any trouble at all. They are adorable buddies who you should not try to pet even though they are friend-shaped. Love your skunk buddies from a distance.

I hope the skunk buddy visits again sometime. One of the best things about living on the outskirts of town is our proximity to wildlife. We get bald eagles and frogs, coyotes and ducks, skunks and dragonflies! It turns out I aspire to be a trashier version of Snow White.

I guess I should wash my hair before the party. Peace out, my dudes.

Love,

Kate and Backyard Skunk

p.s.

Come by if you want some free bananas. I have, like, six.