I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take…
I went to karaoke tonight, for the first time in what might be months. I went to this silly hipster place because they have songs that no one else does, and I wanted to sing Madness. Which I did. So I was at this karaoke joint for about three and a half hours, by myself. Drinking (non-alcoholic) Ginger Beer, which is goddamned excellent.
Last weekend I felt like I was melting, becoming myself again. Now I feel numb. I fuckin’ rocked the three songs I did tonight, and I spoke to strangers, but I realized that I didn’t want to be around or talk to anyone I know. I don’t trust anyone. They might let me down. Most of them have. Caring is too painful. A switch has flipped and I just can’t bother to give a shit.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ve certainly been sleeping a lot, and when I’m awake, I hardly talk to anyone. I’ve been reading the Harry Potter series. I’m partly into book six, and I think I only started on them last Saturday.
People kept saying I seemed manic. Now, when no one is looking, my affect is flat. When I talk to people, what I say is strange. I put on a happy face, but it aches. I can’t do it for long. I’d rather be alone.
I can’t afford to hope anymore. It’s all I can do to go through the motions. Christmas is in three days. I don’t have plans. I have nowhere to go. I’ll probably sleep all day so I don’t have to think about it.
I go through the motions. I eat because I have to, I sleep more than I have to, I have realistic dreams where something makes me angry or sad, and I wake up still angry and sad.
I had a dream a few months ago that I was dying, and someone from my past came to say goodbye. And I felt such peace, and I woke up sad. Because I’m not going to float away on a cloud of morphine and forgiveness. I have to keep on keepin’ on. So I do. And soon I’ll melt again, and feel things again. Maybe right now I should be grateful just not to be in terrible pain.
But I know from experience, numbness is worse.
2 thoughts on “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”
Kate, I don’t know how well you know me, I am sure we are strangers for the most part. So I will just tell you…. I was diagnosed as mentally ill at age 7, I have been in and out of institutions all my life. When I was young, I felt desperate and very sad all the time,and I thought there was no reason to live. As I have gotten older I realize, there is no reason not to! I also understand “blah”, as I have owned it myself many times. The most IMPORTANT thing I can tell you is that it changes, as we age, and what is today may not be tomorrow, my advise is to have faith, not in god, tough that is ok, if you must, but have faith in the fact that you are here for a reason, and that your contribution is essential.
I am not able to work now, I have almost nothing to live on, and I have very few friends, maybe one or two. I live alone with my dog and cat, and some days I am not out of bed for more than 6-8 hours due to depression, BUT, that’s ok. As we age the sense of urgency fades and is replaced by complacency. Put a smile on someone else’s face feel the warmth in your heart. You are a blessed one you are here to spread love and joy, now. I know that my daughter has EDS, and that should have been enough for me to get tested, but it wasn’t, but after reading something you posted I went and saw a Geneticist and got my DX. Seems silly, but it’s true. You only have to live this life once so do it with style!
I love you, you are a wonderful young woman and I cherish the fact that you are here on the planet with us, DO NOT give up, giving up is easy, fighting is hard, but always worth the effort!
I almost sent you a message this morning. We should definitely talk soon. Love you too! I have an amazing family.